In my line of work, I often see people come in and talk about the difficult people in their lives. Some people are able to see the role they play in their lives, but many want to put their focus on other people being the problem. It is easy to put the blame for your problems on someone else, but that is us giving our power away and not taking responsibility for where we are at in life. It is true that others can impact our lives, but ultimately we are responsible for our lives and what is happening in them.

Thoughts:

It is definitely easier to focus on the wrongs that another person has done or how another person has treated us and I think this largely stems from us not wanting to look at our own actions and what we have done. We tend to minimize our own actions and magnify the actions of others. It may stem from pride or self-esteem issues or even denial and refusal to look at how our actions impact our own lives. This is one of biggest hinderances to progress and creating change in your world.

One of the phrases that I use a lot in therapy is “you are the biggest problem in your world.” I say this because if you are the problem, you can also be the solution. If someone else is responsible for why our lives are the way they are; then we are giving our power to someone else and by default making ourselves powerless. I hear people talk about those they are in relationship with or the people that have hurt them and they talk from a place of being powerless or that change is not possible. Also, many people are living in the wounds of the past and see those wounds as the reasons they are struggling today. However, most people are struggling because of their own actions and decisions. I understand there are situations where people are victimized or natural disasters happen and lives are changed and impacted. However, the decisions after those situations are up to the person. We are living lives that are a culmination of our own choices. I have heard it said that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how you react and I think this is evident all around us. I have seen people overcome difficult situations, big and small, and I have seen people allow themselves to be defined by what happens to them.

In relationships, this often looks like blaming all the relationship problems on the other person. Rarely are relationship problems where one person is to blame, both people usually play a role. If one person really is to blame for the relationship problems then the other person probably should not be in a relationship with the difficult person. If a person stays in a relationship and complains about the person, but is not open to leaving, the other person is either not as bad as the person reports or the complainer is responsible for staying in the relationship. It all circles back to you, you are the problem and solution in your world.

In life in general, if a person complains that they need a job and can’t find one or there aren’t any jobs available, I often interested in finding out details. There are some rare difficult situations, but most often this person is not open to certain jobs because of one reason or another. This leads to the lack of a job being a choice not a can’t.

The most difficult element about blaming other people for where you are at in life is that it leaves you stuck. If you are not the reason for the problems in your world than you don’t have the blame or the responsibility to fix the situation. It is allows people to deny that their own actions have led them to being in the situations they are in. And while it is nice to not to be the one to blame for a problem, ultimately it is only by owning our decisions and what happens after can we truly have change in our world.

Takeaway:

What are the areas of life where you need to be honest with yourself that you are the problem and you need to be the one who makes the change in your world? Where can you focus on the 90%, instead of the 10%?