Don’t choose your words or actions based on the reaction you hope to get. But for the love of everything, don’t be a jerk either.

The Invisible Script We All Run

We do it without thinking.

We tell ourselves we’re “being kind,” “setting boundaries,” or “keeping the peace,” when really we’re running a tiny, invisible script: If I say it this way, they’ll finally see me. If I stay quiet here, they won’t leave. If I’m helpful enough, they’ll love me.

I call it micro-control. It’s not yelling or demanding—it’s subtler. It’s the quiet negotiation we have with every interaction, trying to steer the outcome with a feather instead of a fist.

Here’s the radical part: what if we stopped?

What if the only question we asked was, “Does this action reflect the person I actually want to be?”

No attachment to how it lands. No mental rehearsal of their response. Just: Is this true to my values? Then send it into the world and let it fly.

This is especially important with people who don’t care about us nearly as much as we wish they did.

No One Thinks Exactly Like You (Yes, Even Family)

We keep forgetting a basic truth: no one thinks exactly like you. Not your partner, not your parents, not even the friend who finishes your sentences. We’re all walking around in private universes. Bring up politics or religion at Thanksgiving if you want a live demonstration.

So expecting someone to respond the way you would respond is like expecting a cat to bark. It’s not going to happen, and getting mad about it is a waste of a perfectly good heartbeat.

Letting go of that phantom control is one of the most liberating things a human can do.

Because the only thing you ever truly control is what you bring to the table.

Most of the time, the micro-control comes from a need screaming in the background:

Hear me. Validate me. Make me feel safe. Prove I matter.

We dangle the conversation like bait, hoping the other person finally bites and feeds us what we’re starving for.

Spoiler: they almost never do.

Even when they do, the fullness lasts about twelve seconds. You can’t fix an inside problem with an outside solution. Therapy, books, and loving friends can help, but the repair work is still yours. No adult on the planet can reach into your chest and stitch up the wounds from childhood. And honestly? Most people are too busy bleeding from their own to even notice yours.

Imagine a world where everyone walked into conversations asking, “What am I bringing?” instead of “What am I going to get?”

I’d probably be out of a job as a therapist, but I’d take that trade in a heartbeat.

Reality TV: A Masterclass in Unspoken Agendas

I’m a shameless consumer of relationship reality TV—Love Is Blind, Married at First Sight, and (until my husband staged an intervention) Love After Lockup. Editing is real, but so is human nature. You can practically smell the unspoken agenda in every fight. Someone wants reassurance, someone wants control, someone wants to finally be chosen—and none of them know how to say it plainly. So feelings rise, voices crack, and the surface topic (whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher) explodes because the real topic is “Do I matter to you?”

When emotions spike fast, you can bet an old wound just got poked. The deeper the wound, the smaller the trigger needs to be.

The goal here is not permission to say whatever cruel thing pops into your head and call it “authenticity.” Someone once told me, “I can say anything I want; I’ll just apologize later.” That’s not freedom—that’s using apologies as a credit card for bad behavior. Words cut. Apologies can start the healing, but they don’t un-cut anyone.

Being free from outcome doesn’t mean being free from consequence or kindness.

It means you get to be a decent human because you want to be, not because you’re angling for gold stars.

The 5-Question Checklist Before You Speak

Next time you’re about to speak or act, try running this quick checklist:

- What am I really wanting right now?

- Is there a need I’m trying to get someone else to meet?

- Does this reflect the best version of me?

- Am I already auditioning their response in my head?

- Can I let that go and just bring what’s mine to bring?

Five people—tops—are ever going to be capable of meeting your deeper needs, and even they’re going to drop the ball sometimes. Expecting a random coworker, internet stranger, or distant cousin to hand you lasting peace is like expecting a drive-thru to perform open-heart surgery.

Show up as the person you respect when you look in the mirror.

Let the rest fall where it falls.

That’s not just freedom.

That’s power.

P.S. If you want more on clean, drama-free communication (no hidden menu items, no passive-aggressive upcharging), check out my post Drive Thru Communication — Trauma & Relationship Counseling